Movie Death Match 2007 tuh 2008

Pee-Wee dances to the song 'Tequila'. Not 'La Bamba'. I hate computers, and so my post won't look nearly as polished as everyone elses.

1. Smoke vs. Stardust Memories





Jeff lied. He said I got to choose three of my movies, but really I just get to choose one at the cost of another. So I'm choosing Smoke. Both films are kind of artsy, so there's nothing I can say that won't sound at least vaguely pretentious, but Smoke is a damn good movie. If nothing else, it'll make you want to have a cigarette by the end.






2. VanWylder vs. La Femme Nikita

I almost picked La Femme Nikita for my list, but opted for The Professional instead. Both of those are about 100 times better than anything else Luc Besson has had his hand on lately. Also, I'm not holding any remakes or spin-offs against the original.

3. North by Northwest vs. Pirates of the Caribbean.





North by Northwest cause...really just cause I'm pissed Pee-Wee didn't make the cut, and if Pee-Wee doesn't make the cut, no friggin way Captain Jack (or whatever his name is) does.

14. Edward Scissorhands v 19. Space Camp

Space Camp was Joel's favorite movie when he was a kid. He used to watch it whenever he was home sick from school. At one point the spaceship doesn't have enough oxygen to get home, and the Nasa engineer explains that it is because "this bird wasn't flight-ready." Little Joaquin Phoenix also becomes friends with a robot named Jinx after helping to repair his wires or something. When he fixes him, he tells Jinx that "Max and Jinx are best friends forever". And then Jinx overhears Max, in a moment of despair, saying that he just wishes he could go to space. So Jinx waits for all the kids to sit in the shuttle for a fake, space camp "test drive", and then loads a program that actually launches the shuttle to space. And while he's doing it he repeats "Max and Jinx, friends forever" in robot voice. I agree with Joel these are funny quotes, and that I probably would have watched Space Camp as much as he did if I'd known about it as an eight-year-old. But I also think that Tim Burton has never made a better movie than Edward Scissorhands, and that he probably never will. So I guess I'm just not ready to vote against it.

Labels: Edward Scissorhands

14. Sling Blade v 19. Top Gun

These are called "electrostatic" speakers, and my Uncle has some similar ones in his movie theater. He told me that when they sold him the speakers, they played the opening clip from Top Gun. I don't think you could do that with any of the parts in Sling Blade.

4. Pee Wee v 29. Requiem for a Dream

I feel like these movies are both pretty similar in that they teach us some hard lessons about life. Pee Wee taught us that dancing to "La Bamba" in big shoes won't always help you find your bike. But Requiem for a Dream taught us that if you shoot enough heroin, your whole arm is going to turn blue; and that when they saw it off they actually use a spin-saw instead of an axe. Yikes!

(Joel had to remind me about the lesson in Pee Wee)

18. This Is Spinal Tap over 15. Brick

I'm prejudiced to choose Spinal Tap no matter what, because I feel Christopher Guest was under-represented in this tournament. That aside, I just got real tired of looking at Joseph Gordon-Levitt's dirty jeans. And while it was pretty sweet when that kid in the wife-beater manages to book it all the way across an empty parking lot just to punch him in the face, let's face it--Brick just doesn't go to 11.

18. The Life Aquatic over 15. Things to Do In Denver When You're Dead

The notion that Denver has a rough underbelly of mob activity is just silly, almost as silly as Andy Garcia's zoot-suit riot baditude in this movie. The Life Aquatic is clearly not Wes Anderson's best, but the aw-shucks-we're-so-helplessly-esoteric vibe aside, it's the second-best boat movie about mid-mission mutiny to Crimson Tide.

12. The Deer Hunter over 21. The Constant Gardner

My love for Rachel Weisz is so great and true that, despite these both being my original rankings, I'm inclined to revise myself and just let the Gardna beat out the Hunta (as we've come to know them around the apartment). Nevertheless, consistency is some kind of virtue, and the Russian roulette scenes from the Hunt-dog (as we've also come to know it around the apartment) have such big, full cajones to suggest that it has a much better ability to go the distance with all y'all Kill-Bills and Lord-Rings than the sad death of Ralph Fiennes alone in the desert, his sweet, sweet, beauteous Rachel only a hazy mirage looking over his parched corpse.

Lee's Picks

Dazed and Confused (15) over Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (18)

In fairness, I saw Dirty Rotten Scoundrels a very long time ago and I've seen Dazed and Confused twice, and relatively recently. But the latter film has too much going for it for me fret about my bias. First, and most obviously, there is the sweet-ass classic rock. Second, there is Matthew McConaughey. I am not sure that he was aware that he was in a movie and not just hanging out in the Austin suburbs, but no matter, his performance borders on the sublime. The fact that he has spent the remainder of his career squeezing out turd after exquisite turd should not be held against him. Even Ben Affleck is tolerable because you are actively encouraged to hate him.

Jaws (22) over About a Boy (11)

Look, About a Boy is a good movie, and lets Hugh Grant do what he does best: cultivated loafing. Good music, Toni Collette, the uplift at the end. But let me draw your attention to another movie: fucking Jaws. Jaws represents a species that is today extinct: the thriller that takes it sweet time. Hey, there's Roy Scheider going to the store and buying supplies. Look, there's a hirsute Richard Dreyfuss tangling with the local poachers. Great Scott, there's a fucking three-ton shark eating a boat. And who wouldn't rather watch Quint give his fingernails-on-the-chalkboard speech than Hugh Grant going to the hair stylist?

The Shining (16) over The Goonies (17)

It hurts to vote against the Goonies. It is the first movie I remember seeing at the theater, and I still remember the chagrined expression on my father's face when they broke the pecker off the statue. But if you are like me and can't get enough of the hammy side of the Jack, then this movie is one to be cherished. It is the most inexplicably great movie about writer's block ever made. You actually want Jack to clock Shelley Duvall for interrupting him while he's working--the nerve of that bitch! Finally, the aforementioned phallic moment in the Goonies pales in comparison to the bear-suit fellatio of the Shining, which is funny and nauseating all at once, but mainly funny.

The only difficult thing about this decision is bothering to write a justification. I mean, don't get me wrong, About Schmidt is a fine movie. Watching Archie Bunker have a breakdown is fine entertainment for the whole family. But pretty much the best parts were in the preview: Nicholson shocked at Bates naked, the voiceover "And I ask myself, who is this woman?", something about the roof of an RV which I don't really remember. And on the other side: "If we had been fighting with real swords, you would be dead", and then they fight again, and Kyuzo holds his sword above his head, poised.... Damn that guy is cool.

It all comes down to: For your moment of triumph, is it going to be the kick in the head ("You're the best! Around!")? Or is it going to be making out with the princess chick, and then getting freeze-framed throwing your fist into the air walking across a field ("Don't you. Forget about me. Don't don't don't don't you.")? Well, Molly Ringwald kind of freaks me out, so I think it's going to have to be the kick in the head. Sorry Simple Men; I know you're better than that crappy band from Karate Kid. Sorry John Hughes. Although you kind of deserve some punishment for bringing us Home Alone 1 through 4. And Beethoven through Beethoven's Fifth. And Maid in Manhattan. Actually, fuck you John Hughes.

Jeff, look past your petty prejudices, you shallow, elitist bastard. You don't like the Napoleon t-shirts. You don't like the Napoleon gift card section at Target. I can understand that. But just because the mainstream liked it, does that make it any less indie? Well, yes. But it didn't start out that way! John Heder got paid $1000 to play the part. It was edited on one guy's personal computer. (Yeah. That's right. I can look up facts on imdb.com.) It hurts, because Ninja Scroll is one of the best action anime movies out there, up there with Akira and Ghost in the Shell, and better than Evangelion, Cowboy Beebop, Princess Mononoke, and Last Exile. I know Dwight will never talk to me again after this. But here's the thing. Ninja Scroll is good like G.I.Joe is good. About as much subtlety as being sliced into tiny pieces by a thousand razor-sharp threads.

[From Jeff]

1) My math sucks. I don't know where I got my two picks twice from. The first round will be divided into three parts. Everyone gets three pairings for the first two parts, and two pairings for part three. Confused? I thought so.

2) I definitely did not rig this tournament. If I had there is no way that I would have given Karl the opportunity to advance a piece of shit like 'Napoleon Dynamite'. Also, Andy got three of his own movies that could have gotten the axe had anyone but him gotten them.

3) 'The Descent' is awesome. I encourage everyone to watch it. If I were making my list again it would make my top 15.

Here is round one.

Karl
16. Ninja Scroll v 17. Napoleon Dynamite
10. The Karate Kid v 23. The Breakfast Club
7. Seven Samurai v 26. About Schmidt

Joe
1. Rushmore v 32. Ghostbusters
9. All the Real Girls v 24. Highway 61
6. Indiana Jones v 27. The Fifth Element

Andy
15. Smoke v 18. Stardust Memories
13. Van Wylder v 20. La Femme Nikita
8. North by Northwest v 25. Pirates of the Caribbean

Dwight
1. Bottle Rocket v 32. Night of the Hunter
11. Kung Fu Hustle v 22. Buffalo 66
13. Team America v 20. The Dark Crystal

Lee
15. Dazed and Confused v 18. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
11. About a Boy v 22. Jaws
16. The Shining v 17. The Goonies

Joel
15. Brick v 18. This is Spinal Tap
15. Things to Do in Denver v 18. The Life Aquatic
12. The Deer Hunter v 21. The Constant Gardener

Erik
4. Pee Wee v 29. Requiem for a Dream
14. Sling Blade v 19. Top Gun
14. Edward Scissorhands v 19. Space Camp

Jeff
16. Better off Dead v 17. Barcelona
4. Office Space v 29. Raging Bull
8. Babe: Pig in the City v 25. Heaven

[From Jeff]
Alright. Here are the movie pairings. The number in front is their seed. Just think of each group like a region in March Madness and it should make sense. I will split the first round in half, so everyone will vote on two pairings twice. I will try to send out the first round sometime later tonight. If someone (*cough* Karl *cough*) wanted to put these in some sort of nifty excel type thing, I would not stand in their way. Also, since I want to remain friends with all of you, I will not look back at old e-mails or ask who entered Shrek.

Drum roll, please.

Group 1
1. The Big Lebowski v 32. Mysterious Skin
16. Ninja Scroll v 17. Napoleon Dynamite
8. The City of God v 25. Return to Oz
15. Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead v 18. The Life Aquatic
5. Ocean's 11 v 28. Dead Alive
12. The Graduate v 21. Dog Day Afternoon
4. Office Space v 29. Raging Bull
11. About a Boy v 22. Jaws
6. The Usual Suspects v 27. Dressed to Kill
13. Van Wylder v 20. La Femme Nikita
3. Fargo v 30. Apocalypse Now
10. The Karate Kid v 23. The Breakfast Club
7. Seven Samurai v 26. About Schmidt
14. Sling Blade v 19. Top Gun
2. The Royal Tennenbaums v 31. Brazil
9. All the Real Girls v 24. Highway 61

Group 2
1. Bottle Rocket v 32. Night of the Hunter
16. Better off Dead v 17. Barcelona
8. Annie Hall v 25. Punch Drunk Love
15. Brick v 18. This is Spinal Tap
5. Double Indemnity v 28. My Name is Joe
12. Twelve Monkeys v 21. The Apostle
4. Sweet Hereafter v 29. Old School
11. True Romance v 22. Shrek
6. Goodfellas v 27. Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
13. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon v 20. Life is Beautiful
3. Donnie Darko v 30. The Bicycle Thief
10. Chinatown v 23. Barton Fink
7. Pulp Fiction v 26. Anchorman
14. Downfall v 19. Bringing up Baby
2. Lord of the Rings v 31. Crimes and Misdemeanors
9. A Clockwork Orange v 24. Delicatessen

Group 3
1. Magnolia v 32. Batman
16. Fight Club v 17. The Hudsucker Proxy
8. Babe: Pig in the City v 25. Heaven
15. Dazed and Confused v 18. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
5. The Godfather v 28. Crimson Tide
12. The Deer Hunter v 21. The Constant Gardener
4. Pee Wee v 29. Requiem for a Dream
11. Kung Fu Hustle v 22. Buffalo 66
6. Indiana Jones v 27. The Fifth Element
13. Team America v 20. The Dark Crystal
3. Kill Bill v 30. Hero
10. Blade Runner v 23. Hellraiser
7. Miller's Crossing v 26. Pi: Faith in Chaos
14. Edward Scissorhands v 19. Space Camp
2. Amelie v 31. Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder)
9. Sin City v 24. Spirited Away

Group 4
1. Rushmore v 32. Ghostbusters
16. The Shining v 17. The Goonies
8. North by Northwest v 25. Pirates of the Caribbean
15. Smoke v 18. Stardust Memories
5. The Mission v 28. Eraserhead
12. Volver v 21. Midnight Run
4. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind v 29. High Fidelity
11. The Professional v 22. La Avventura
6. Memento v 27. Little Miss Sunshine
13. The Last Waltz v 20. Breakin
3. The City of Lost Children v 30. Evil Dead 2
10. Before Sunrise v 23. The Decalogue
7. Waking Ned Divine v 26. The Bourne Identity
14. You Can Count on Me v 19. Vertigo
2. Star Wars v 31. Billy Madison
9. 2024 v 24. Tommy Boy